Category: Uncategorized (Page 4 of 5)

Short Story 1

What is it?

This is the story of a girl coming to terms with doing the unthinkable to save the things she loves (AKA: The Trolley Problem for Ants)

Likes:

I really liked the voice in your story along with the perspective you chose to tell it in. Having an eight-year old as the central/only perspective really heightens the intensity and the stakes for this story. If the main character were an adult, the audience would see that maybe sacrificing a few ants wouldn’t be that big of a deal, but Argyle’s age really puts us in her shoes. I also like how much characterization you do, mainly by showing us her priorities when it comes to a stressful situation. One of the biggest things I liked was how you gave us an insight into her motivations, i.e., the backstory you give us. It’s a plausible and realistic explanation as to why Argyle cares about ants so much.

Questions/Suggestions:

I don’t have much in the way of questions/suggestions, but the ones I have are centered around Argyle’s family life/gender identity. I’ll start with the latter. I really love the trans representation within this story, not only because it adds to Argyle’s character, but it helps set a precedent that trans characters deserve to be main characters as well. I do wonder though how relevant bringing up Argyle’s identity is to the story. Right now, it feels like you just dropped in the fact that Argyle was trans and that it essentially helped caused her parents divorce, but then you go right back to the main plot. Again, I think it enriches the story, but I think you need to expand upon how that identity and how her family life is important to the situation Argyle is in at that moment. I don’t have a good suggestion to give you in regards to this, but I really think that you can make it work! Perhaps you could introduce the mom to us, or end with a scene where Argyle opens up to her mom about what she just went through. Whatever you decide to do, I think it’ll be great!

Rebirth

What is it?

This is the story of truly becoming yourself while not fearing the consequences.

Likes:

I really enjoyed the poetic feel of your story. While you had moments of description, I felt like everything was just described briefly in order to give the reader the feel of being in a dream, just like the narrator. It felt as though I was in a haze while reading the dream sequence. I also enjoyed the descriptions of the narrator’s skin peeling away. It wasn’t grotesque, but I felt as though you described it in a way that brought beauty to the act of dying.

Questions/Suggestions:

I think my biggest suggestion would be to ground your audience in reality a little more. The more you ground your audience, the more they can appreciate the dream-like/supernatural/fantasy motifs within the narrative. I personally struggle with this, but I think that if you can get your readers to truly understand just how soul-sucking the narrator’s real life is, then you can increase the impact of how the narrator feels within the dream sequence.

Short Story 1

What is it?

This is the story of the Sun, the Moon, and their star-crossed love.

Likes:

There’s so much that I love about this story. You have so many beautiful lines, one that sticks out is on page 1, “Those minutes every day let them bask in the beauty of the mortal world shrouded in a blanket woven with golden rays and silver beams”. You also take the time to describe the setting along with the human versions of Sun and Moon, which I think was done really well. Overall, the whole thing reads like an epic poem or fairytale, akin to something that would be orally passed down for generations.

Questions/Suggestions:

I don’t have much in the way of suggestions, but I did think that the introduction to Hamish was a bit rushed. He literally pulls and pushes a terrified Moon into his tavern. I feel like Moon would be really wary of him, especially since he is kind of forceful to her when they first meet, despite his intentions. Maybe consider fleshing this meeting out a bit more. I know you have 11 pages already, but I think it would be beneficial to your story if you can find a way to fit in some more dialogue or even an additional scene/moment between Sun and Moon. Overall, fantastic job!

Short Story 2

What is it?

This is the story of unconditional love

Likes:

I really really enjoyed this story! It was sweet and heartbreaking and wonderful! Personally, I enjoyed the voice. You make Billy’s narration fluid and concrete, something that I feel is hard to do, especially when the story is set in a different time period (I’m assuming closer to WWII?). I also really enjoyed the little twist with Edith and Violet. It was small enough, but it really highlighted Billy’s priorities and just how head over heels he was for Violet. It wasn’t a “perfect” love story, but life is messy and I love how you reflected that within your story. I also think that you tied the beginning and the end of your story together well! The diagnosis scene and the scene prior to that just broke my heart, but it was handled beautifully.

Questions/Suggestions:

I think my only suggestion would be to show hints of Violet’s diagnosis earlier. I would also recommend giving a little more narration to why Billy was so drawn towards Violet. I feel like the reader only got that “Violet was pretty” and Billy liked her. Personally, I’d enjoy a little more reasoning behind it, but honestly that’s a decision for you. Either way, I think this story was really well done!

Short Story 1

What is it?

This is the story of two friends navigating their feelings for one another while a major obstacle keeps them apart.

Likes:

I liked the amount of characterization you managed to do within a short amount of time. The way you introduced Maddie and Bella helped show their personalities and their priorities, with Maddie doing the dishes and Bella avoiding homework/responsibilities. You also created a good tension when Lincoln wasn’t answering his phone.

Questions/Suggestions:

I wonder about your motivation to make Angela an ‘antagonist’. If you want to make her the reason that Lincoln and Flo can’t be together, then that’s fine, but I think it would add more tension to have Angela in a few scenes so the readers can make their own judgements about her character. It also feels like Flo’s inner feelings/monologue is a little repetitive. I think that if you can condense some of her feelings, you might have room to put in a scene that expands upon the relationship between Lincoln, Flo, and maybe even Angela.

Short Story 2

What is it?

This is the story of hope prevailing in the darkest of times.

Likes:

I thought your voice/point of view was really well done! Barrie’s internal thoughts and the way she describes her pain felt natural and fluid. You also have a lot of lovely lines of prose that I really enjoyed (one was on page 1 “That’s what cancer did to moms, it made them worry, made them shells of the moms we once knew”). While the subject material was grim and upsetting, I think the way you included moments of color and fun, and kids being kids, was really beautiful.

Questions/Suggestions:

I think my biggest question was just how old the characters were. I’m not sure if I missed it, but it’s implied that they’re children since they’re in the pediatrics unit. I think I only questioned this because of Delilah’s line on page six, “You better be ready for me to kick your ass, Barrie”. Not that kids can’t swear, but it just took me out a little just because I had imagined Barrie/Delilah as younger (around 10/11). My other suggestion, and this might sound a little harsh, was about the death scene. It took me out when Barrie was “allowed” to stay in the room. Realistically, wouldn’t they do everything they could to get her out of the room? Other than that, great job!

Short Story 1

What is it?

This is the story of two people dealing with the aftermath of an accident.

Likes:

I like how distinct the voices are between your two main characters. Visually, I also like how you had two different fonts. I’m not sure if you intended this, but giving your male character a comic sans font, and then revealing that he was only putting up a brave face, feels really symbolic for me, though it probably is just a coincidence. You also don’t follow the “standard” form of a short story, instead relying on narration rather than description and dialogue to carry your story.

Questions/Suggestions:

One of my biggest suggestions is a pretty small fix. I would’ve really liked to have known their names. These narratives are incredibly personal and vulnerable, considering the circumstance, yet the readers never get the chance to know their names. I really recommend revealing them at some point. I also wonder about how your male character is. He constantly says that he puts up a brave face, but we don’t see until the end that he isn’t okay. We get a glimpse of his nightmares, but maybe you could expand upon that a little more. Does the crashing of a broken dish startle him? What about the squeal of tires as a car brakes? There’s a lot of potential to reveal to the reader about just how much the accident is affecting him. I would also expand on the relationship between your characters, as it does feel a little flat in some areas.

5 Days

What is it?

This is the story of finding camaraderie within loneliness

Likes:

I enjoyed the perspective you decided to tell this story in. I think that this story could technically work with a third person pov, but first person really makes the narrative more intimate and relatable. Going off that, Bree’s voice is distinct yet relatable enough to where I was going, “Wait, this is literally my whole freshman year”. It also helps that Bree adds some humor into some situations (an example on page 2 “I’M A FRESHMAN” comes to mind). The genuine friendship that develops between Bree, Harrison, and Carmen is refreshing compared to other depressing college narratives.

Questions/Suggestions:

I think my biggest concern with this story surrounds Harrison. I felt like he was a little too in-tune with Bree. Observant or not, he gives off a creepy vibe that most people would be turned off to if they met him in person. I don’t think this was the intention, but if it was, then you’ll need to heighten Harrison’s creep factor throughout the story. I was also a little confused by the addition of Carmen. I liked how you had Bree meet other important people in Harrison’s life, but the way that you describe Carmen and Bree’s relationship makes me feel like they’d have more of a connection than Bree and Harrison. If you want Bree and Harrison’s friendship to be the focal point of this story, then you’ll need to add in more moments/points of connection between them. Consider how they story would be different if Carmen was the one who bumped into Bree in the dining hall.

Gravity is Greedy

What is it?

This is the story of a person overcoming their fears and their troublesome history

Likes:

Your description is amazing! I think you did a wonderful job of painting a setting for the reader. One of my favorite things about this story is how we’re constantly in Nina’s mind, save for a few scenes where she speaks to her friends. The reader really gets a sense of who Nina is, despite the fact that we only see from her perspective.

Questions/Suggestions:

I really love this story and think you did an amazing job, but I wonder about how much room it takes. Nine pages is definitely not a lot, but I worry that other readers may feel as though the story is drawn out. Again, I don’t necessarily agree with the suggestion I’m giving you, because I’m honestly a little stumped on what to say because you did a great job. I would look at some of your paragraphs and see if you could consolidate some of them into one “scene”. I guess one question I do have is why the place is so important for the characters. It’s the last day of summer, so why are they spending it near a bridge? Again, these are small suggestions/questions because I genuinely don’t know what to say.

Be More Like Pistachios

What is it?

This is the story of a girl dealing with the guilt and grief of losing her only friend

Likes:

I liked how you set the story up in the beginning, especially through Mrs. Web’s comments about Addie not having friends. I think your intro really pulls the reader in. I also liked how natural the flashback sequences were and the genuine relationship you create between Addie and Heather. The dialogue is meaningful and smooth during these sequences, along with the rest of the story, but I feel as though the dialogue in the flashbacks hold a little more weight.

Questions/Suggestions:

I found that I was a little confused about the ages of Addie and Heather during the flashback sequences. I don’t think it’s a big deal, but maybe adding some indication of their ages might help. Sometimes the dialogue/vocabulary felt a little too old or young and I was having trouble placing it. The next comment is a bit of a stretch, so take it with a grain of salt. I would consider what story you’d like to tell. It feels like the bulk of your story is within the flashbacks, and it seems like you’re more interested in building up the relationship between the friends. Consider how powerful/devastating it’d be if the story ended with the accident and Addie’s possession of Pistachio.

Date Night

What is it?

This is the story of two very busy Demigods who finally find time for a date.

Likes:

I really like your character description and the voice you have. I’d describe your voice as informal, but not in a bad way! It makes me think of how regular teenagers would tell a story or talk to their friends. The voice makes the story about demigods going on dates believable.

Questions/Suggestions:

It feels like you tell the audience a lot of information instead of showing it to us. There’s one line in particular where you say that Oliver is thankful for Kyle. These moments can be shown through the characters’ actions and words, rather than statements. You also have a lot of background information that seems really squished into the story, and a part of me wonders just how relevant the information is to the reader, especially since it feels like the story truly starts when Isaac and Oliver meet for their date.

Roadtrip

What is it?

This is the story about the excitement of new beginnings and freedom.

Likes:

I really enjoyed the characterization of Brooke and Sammy. The line (on page 1) about Sammy being a stress-snacker is a good example of this. I also thought that your depiction/description of unbridled freedom and the car bursting from their town was really well done. The excitement that exudes from Sammy and Brooke is palpable for the reader. I really enjoyed the hair-cutting scene in the hotel, as it felt like the peak moment for the two characters and a solidifying action that they aren’t returning to their home.

Questions/Suggestions:

I think my biggest concern with this story is the development of the characters. We see that they have this very well-thought out plan and have the cash, clothes, and transportation to get them out of their town, but it all seems to go too well for them. Something needs to get these characters to change, besides cutting their hair. What would happen to Sammy and Brooke if they had been caught? What would they do if the hotel didn’t have a room for the night? As a reader, I really want to see how characters change and develop in the best and worst of circumstances. I think there’s a lot of potential in this story to make things go wrong for them, which always makes for a fleshed out narrative.

Short Story 1

What is it?

This is the story of a future generation attempting to bridge the gap between themselves and their ancestors.

Likes:

This is such a unique concept! I like how you focused in on a key moment, instead of explaining the whole history of Stephan’s search for answers. I also like how you very deliberately sprinkled in details about Stephan’s people without stating them right at the very beginning of the story. You create a slow buildup to the world the reader is in really well.

Questions/Suggestions:

I think my biggest question is about Stephan’s motivation. You said in class that he’s a historian, but I was really curious to see/hear why he chose that path. You have a wonderful moment of empathy when Stephan sees the small handprint, which can clue the reader into his motivations, but it leaves a lot of room for speculation. I also think that giving more detail about Stephan and his people who be good. We know that they’re these mer-folk types of people, but you have the potential to really be creative in how they look/talk, etc.

One More Job

What is it?

This is the story of what happens when you’re forced to relive the past.

Likes:

I liked the action sequences you wrote. They were really vivid and flowed well. I also thought that your dialogue was well done and didn’t feel forced. One of the biggest things I liked was how you set the story up. You give the characters a realistic motivation to return to a life of crime instead of just having them act like it was a spur of the moment thing.

Questions/Suggestions:

I think my biggest question was really something that you’d have to think about. Does this story really fit in to the form of a short story? I feel like there’s a lot of questions that remain unanswered and I feel like the characters didn’t get enough time to face consequences/change throughout the events. I really liked this story, but I feel like you need to consider what parts of it you want to tell.

Short Story #1

What is it?

This is the story of two people who meet and bond through very strange circumstances

Likes:

Description was definitely a highlight in this story! I mentioned this during class, but the way you write sounds and silent moments were great! The little things you’re able to describe really give the story another layer of life, especially in a setting that wouldn’t have much in the way of spectacular scenery. Another thing I liked was your characterization. Q and Sunny feel and read like two distinct people, but Sunny lives up to their name.

Questions/Suggestions:

I was really curious about Sunny’s backstory, as well as the relationship between Q and their mom. You have some really wonderful moments where Q and Sunny open up to each other, but it always felt too short. I think you have these two lonely and open characters, and while I love the moments you have with them, I think creating more genuine and “heavy” moments between the two of them would create a larger depth (no pun intended) in your story.

Girlfriends

What is it?

This is the story of loss and surviving despite heartbreak.

Likes:

I really liked how you characterized the relationship between your characters. Within the first page, the reader definitely gets a sense of how close they both are to each other just based on their actions. I also really appreciated the dialogue and how the serious moments are underlined with a sense of humor.

Questions/Suggestions:

My biggest suggestion would be to expand upon how the main character feels about her roommate leaving, as well as how she feels about essentially being mislead for an entire semester. I feel like most people would be really angry and upset, but it seems like your character is more understanding. If you want to keep the empathy of your character, then really try to highlight just how your character is rationalizing her roommate’s departure.

Atlas

What is it?

This is the story of a person lost in space who is desperately trying to find their way home.

Likes:

Your dialogue and the inner monologue of Alex is done really well! I loved the banter between Alex and Percy. Your pacing was also done well. The story never seemed to drag on or feel too slow for me. I think the way you go through Alex’s day to day life definitely adds to the tension you build throughout the story.

Questions/Suggestions:

My biggest questions focus on each characters’ backstory. Who is Percy? Why would Alex think of them as they slowly start to lose it? What did Alex do back on Earth? I think one of the biggest suggestions is to not only expand upon the the characters you have, but to also expand upon their motivations. What exactly is going on with the sun? I think that the confusion surrounding that point kind of takes readers out of your story.

Second Intention

What is it?

This is the story of two rivals who realize how much they appreciate the other after being apart.

Likes:

I really enjoyed the “enemies to friends (to lovers??)” trope you have going on. Jonathan and Finn’s rivalry seems genuine, shown mostly through their dialogue. I also thought it was a great idea to separate them, as their inner dialogue really shows just how much they miss the other. Your characterization was well done!

Questions/Suggestions:

I think my biggest suggestions are about Finn’s character and the accident. I was a little confused about why Finn would ask Jonathan to dance, especially given the fact that you set up an intense rivalry before that point. I think if you make it forced, like all the dance partners were taken so Finn and Jonathan had no one else, it would be a little more believable. I would also consider what Finn’s motivations are for that scene, as well as the purpose of the scene in general. Regarding the fire, I was a little thrown off by how sudden it was, but at the same time, fires are sudden events. I’m not quite sure how to make it flow a bit better, but personally I was thrown off guard by that.