Short Story 1

What is it?

This is the story of the Sun, the Moon, and their star-crossed love.

Likes:

There’s so much that I love about this story. You have so many beautiful lines, one that sticks out is on page 1, “Those minutes every day let them bask in the beauty of the mortal world shrouded in a blanket woven with golden rays and silver beams”. You also take the time to describe the setting along with the human versions of Sun and Moon, which I think was done really well. Overall, the whole thing reads like an epic poem or fairytale, akin to something that would be orally passed down for generations.

Questions/Suggestions:

I don’t have much in the way of suggestions, but I did think that the introduction to Hamish was a bit rushed. He literally pulls and pushes a terrified Moon into his tavern. I feel like Moon would be really wary of him, especially since he is kind of forceful to her when they first meet, despite his intentions. Maybe consider fleshing this meeting out a bit more. I know you have 11 pages already, but I think it would be beneficial to your story if you can find a way to fit in some more dialogue or even an additional scene/moment between Sun and Moon. Overall, fantastic job!

Short Story 2

What is it?

This is the story of unconditional love

Likes:

I really really enjoyed this story! It was sweet and heartbreaking and wonderful! Personally, I enjoyed the voice. You make Billy’s narration fluid and concrete, something that I feel is hard to do, especially when the story is set in a different time period (I’m assuming closer to WWII?). I also really enjoyed the little twist with Edith and Violet. It was small enough, but it really highlighted Billy’s priorities and just how head over heels he was for Violet. It wasn’t a “perfect” love story, but life is messy and I love how you reflected that within your story. I also think that you tied the beginning and the end of your story together well! The diagnosis scene and the scene prior to that just broke my heart, but it was handled beautifully.

Questions/Suggestions:

I think my only suggestion would be to show hints of Violet’s diagnosis earlier. I would also recommend giving a little more narration to why Billy was so drawn towards Violet. I feel like the reader only got that “Violet was pretty” and Billy liked her. Personally, I’d enjoy a little more reasoning behind it, but honestly that’s a decision for you. Either way, I think this story was really well done!