Short Story 1

What is it?

This is the story of two friends navigating their feelings for one another while a major obstacle keeps them apart.

Likes:

I liked the amount of characterization you managed to do within a short amount of time. The way you introduced Maddie and Bella helped show their personalities and their priorities, with Maddie doing the dishes and Bella avoiding homework/responsibilities. You also created a good tension when Lincoln wasn’t answering his phone.

Questions/Suggestions:

I wonder about your motivation to make Angela an ‘antagonist’. If you want to make her the reason that Lincoln and Flo can’t be together, then that’s fine, but I think it would add more tension to have Angela in a few scenes so the readers can make their own judgements about her character. It also feels like Flo’s inner feelings/monologue is a little repetitive. I think that if you can condense some of her feelings, you might have room to put in a scene that expands upon the relationship between Lincoln, Flo, and maybe even Angela.

Short Story 2

What is it?

This is the story of hope prevailing in the darkest of times.

Likes:

I thought your voice/point of view was really well done! Barrie’s internal thoughts and the way she describes her pain felt natural and fluid. You also have a lot of lovely lines of prose that I really enjoyed (one was on page 1 “That’s what cancer did to moms, it made them worry, made them shells of the moms we once knew”). While the subject material was grim and upsetting, I think the way you included moments of color and fun, and kids being kids, was really beautiful.

Questions/Suggestions:

I think my biggest question was just how old the characters were. I’m not sure if I missed it, but it’s implied that they’re children since they’re in the pediatrics unit. I think I only questioned this because of Delilah’s line on page six, “You better be ready for me to kick your ass, Barrie”. Not that kids can’t swear, but it just took me out a little just because I had imagined Barrie/Delilah as younger (around 10/11). My other suggestion, and this might sound a little harsh, was about the death scene. It took me out when Barrie was “allowed” to stay in the room. Realistically, wouldn’t they do everything they could to get her out of the room? Other than that, great job!