My first short story was workshopped on 10/24. I’ve gone through the workshop process before, but I was still pretty nervous going into class. I was really proud of the story I wrote, but I knew that the workshop would force me to reevaluate scenes that I loved and techniques that I felt worked for me. I was especially worried about how the flashback sequences would be perceived. I was pleasantly surprised by all the feedback I got, considering that sometimes it takes a little prodding to get people to contribute. A lot of the feedback I got was positive, which was also really surprising to me. One thing that stuck out to me was just how many people complimented the flow and the prose within the story and how they liked how fleshed out Lou and Nick were. Comments like these really help my confidence as a writer and, if we’re being honest, good comments make me feel amazing, but who doesn’t feel that way? When it came to questions/suggestions, the biggest point of contention was with the flashback sequences. There was one flashback (the one where Lou was mugged) that most of the class agreed was a little jarring. Looking back at that flashback, I agreed with them, and actually cringed a little when it was brought up during class. While some people liked and appreciated the disjointedness of the past and the present aspects in my story, others felt like they needed to be grounded more. Jesse ended up saying something about this that really stuck with me. It was something along the lines of weighing the pros and cons of keeping the disjointedness/confusion for the sake of immersing the reader into the character’s mind, even if that meant alienating a group of readers that need to be grounded. I still haven’t made a decision, but I’ve really kept thinking about this idea. Is it okay to stick to an artistic choice that you feel enhances the narrative, even at the expense of alienating a group of readers? Most writers want everyone to like their work, me included, so I think posing this question was almost a wake-up call for me. Not everyone is going to like/agree with the content/techniques in my stories, but I think that’s okay.
Category: Uncategorized (Page 3 of 5)
Simmer
What is it?
This is the story of a man that knows what and who he wants, but has to grapple with disappointment.
Likes:
I really loved this story. Your pacing, dialogue, and description felt fluid and natural. I especially appreciated the detail you included during cooking scenes. This alone made me feel really invested in the story. I also like how you intertwined Trevor’s main desires (getting the promotion and getting with Jack) in a way that made them create tension. Trevor wanted to be alone with Jack, but doing so would cause his work to suffer and therefore his promotion. I think you weave his inner turmoil very nicely.
Questions/Suggestions:
I don’t have much in the way of suggestions, but I’m a little confused as to why Trevor didn’t get the promotion. I might’ve missed that part, but was there a definite reason or was it just not the right time for him? I don’t think you need to answer this, but a few readers might appreciate some clarification. I’m also a little curious about how Trevor started cooking, but in terms of a short story, I don’t think we need to know. Overall, I think your story was crafted very well!
Despite it All
What is it?
This is the story of a woman who realizes that she’s only been surviving and not living.
Likes:
I really liked the voice in this story! Like your last story, I felt that your pacing and dialogue were fluid, but I felt that your voice was more prominent. I felt as though I knew Theodora. I also felt like the progression of the abusive relationship was realistic. Your choice to have their relationship start in college was a great choice, as both people are still young and figuring out their place in the world. This allows for Theodora to make a decision regarding her future without truly understanding what it entails early on. One thing that was small but really poignant was the inclusion of the concierge at the beginning. It was a subtle moment, initially leading the reader to think that it was just to show Preston’s character, but I really enjoyed how you brought him back at the end.
Questions/Suggestions:
I feel like I don’t have a lot of big questions/suggestions, but I would recommend thinking about where your story starts. Don’t get me wrong, I love your opening, but your story seems to be telling a lot without really showing. The reader gets a lot of background information, almost to the point where you forget that Preston and Theodora are having a confrontation. This could just be a personal preference in story-telling, so do what you think is best, but I think a few more interactions between Preston and Theodora in the now would help ground the story.
Short Story 1
What is it?
This is the story of a girl who hits a man with her car and has to deal with the consequences of her actions
Likes:
I like the voice of your narrator. It feels very personal and natural. I also appreciated the setup you had for your story, it definitely drew me in.
Questions/Suggestions
My main question centers around the motivation of the narrator. Why not just get the man to safety and help him? Why would she bury him in the forest? I also feel like the narrator didn’t change throughout the story. She doesn’t have to “face the music” and is instead berated by her mother for unrelated things. It just felt like there was a big disconnect between hitting the man with her car and the rest of the story. I’d really suggest thinking about where your “story” is. What I mean is where do you think the main problem/action is? What instances/people/events cause the character to change and how?
Short Story 2
What is it?
This is the story of a man who finally falls in love
Likes:
I liked how natural the relationship between Jay and his friends felt. It seemed like a friendship where most of them taunt each other, but they all tend to help out when things get rough. It was refreshing to see a friend dynamic handled like that. I also enjoyed the simple plot. I thought that you put just the right amount of moments in the narrative without it getting too complex. It’s a simple story about a guy and a girl going on a date, which I thought was a nice change of pace.
Questions/Suggestions:
There are some spots where the dialogue gets a little confusing/clunky. I would suggest reading these lines of dialogue out loud to see if you can make them sound a little more natural. I also felt like there was a lot of passive action. What I mean is that you tend to describe every little thing that Jay does, especially in the beginning. You could save a lot of space by saying that Jay sat at the bar and waited, instead of going into detail about which seat he chose and how the bartender walked away, etc. Other than that, you have a solid story!
Short Story 1
What is it?
This is the story of memories and loving another during the hardest times.
Likes:
I loved this story. The characters felt realistic and complex, especially within their circumstances. You also have moments of chekov’s gun, one that comes to mind is the couple in the bar, and these moments pay off extremely well. I also felt like you didn’t focus so much on the wife’s illness, which to me, was a good thing. You give the audience enough contextual evidence to know that the wife is sick and that things won’t get better, so you move along with the story nicely.
Questions/Suggestions:
I’m not sure what to say in terms of questions or suggestions. I think you did a really nice job. I think, though, you should consider how your main character changes/evolves over the course of the story. I’m not sure if there’s a lot of evidence that shows that he’s grown and changed, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Again, it’s just a question to consider and not really a suggestion, because I really do think you did a great job.
Short Story 2
What is it?
This is the story about living and dying and realizing that they are both one in the same.
Likes:
I really enjoyed the ending. “Enjoyed” is a bad word, but typically I don’t care for stories that end with the narrator’s supposed death. I feel like you pulled it off without the stereotypical “…and then the world went black”. You write a sort of dignity and acceptance into Molly’s last scene and I thought it was really beautiful. I also enjoyed how you started the story. Your opening line is powerful and captivating, just like all opening lines should be. While the story did seem a little slow, I thought it was really well done how you included only one main point of tension/action. It made the story really feel like everything was leading up to that moment, which it was.
Questions/Suggestions:
I think my only question/suggestion would be to draw out the conversation between Molly and the other woman. There’s plenty of dialogue, but maybe if you added some description about how the woman looked and some of Molly’s internal feelings, the scene would be fleshed out more. Other than that, I think maybe a few scenes/pages can be more concise. I recommend going through and summarizing what happens on each page. This helps me cut down on my word/page count so I can flesh the important bits out more. Other than that, great work!
Short Story 1
What is it?
This is the story of loss and finding meaning in other people
Likes:
I like how this story takes place within the main character’s head. It highlights just how alone your character feels when they don’t interact with anyone else. I also thought your description was incredibly well-done, specifically the old man who enters the bus. I also enjoyed how this story was just a “day in the life” kind of story for our character, despite his difficult past.
Questions/Suggestions:
One of my main questions focused on what happened to Marely. I think it’s a little vague, which is good if you want the readers to speculate, and I suppose it does add an air of privacy around the characters. I think if you highlight the interactions and the history between Marely and Sebastian a little more, there might be more depth within the story.
Unfamiliar Endings
What is it?
This is a story of unconditional love and the price one has to pay to attain it
Likes:
Just like your last story, I really enjoyed your dialogue. There’s a lot of humor sprinkled throughout your story, even though there are pretty heavy themes. I also like how you crumbled the main characters’ plans (or lack thereof) pretty early on in the story. You allow them to have to search for alternate means of escaping, even if that means they had to make hard choices. The beginning was one of my favorite sections, since it really just jumps the story into action with witty dialogue and fast-paced drama.
Questions/Suggestions:
I think my biggest questions were about why Boston and Summer were on the run. What did they do? How did the cops know their names? I feel like there’s a lot of unresolved questions that the reader has by the end of this story, so maybe there’s room to explore that more, possibly by telling this to Boston’s dad. I also didn’t really understand why Boston’s dad never returned, even after getting sober, but that could just be personal question. I would suggest thinking about where the story truly starts for these characters and if there’s a way we can get more information without sacrificing the scope of the story.
Short Story 1
What is it?
This is the story of two friends who slowly figure out that they are what the other needs.
Likes:
I liked how this story was told in two different perspectives. It makes the story feel more fleshed out and realistic. I also like how you limited the story to just one moment within the two characters’ lives. The characters also felt very fleshed out with the detail in their backstories.
Questions/Suggestions:
I think your characters need to interact a little more. Each time the perspective shifts, it feels like a disconnect between the two, rather than one cohesive story. If you have more moments with them interacting, I think the story would have more depth. I also feel like we would understand Devyn and Winter’s personalities a little more.
Wrong Person, Right Time
What it is?
This is the story of a girl who meets the wrong person at the right time, and the right person at the wrong time.
Likes:
I like how you had an almost twist ending with Sophia going back to Asher. I feel like this is realistic in the sense that love is rarely neat and tidy, and people can break up and get back together in the future. I also enjoyed how you developed a friendship between Noah and Sophia and had the audience “rooting” for them. I think that the reasoning for Sophia wanting to end the relationship between her and Noah was believable, although simplistic (which isn’t a bad thing)
Questions/Suggestions:
My biggest suggestion would be to develop Asher and Sophia’s relationship. We, as the audience, never see Asher and only hear of him in passing. I think if you really want the readers to believe that Sophia misses him and truly believes that he was the right person, then we need to see Asher more. I also think that you need to drop in hints about Noah not being a great person. He’s fine throughout the entire story, but suddenly turns defensive and cruel through text. I think we need to see how complex Noah and Asher both are.
Into the Woods
What is it?
This is the story of a married couple who go into the woods to save their marriage.
Likes:
I liked the pacing in your story. Slowly introducing some of the creepier/more threatening elements throughout the narrative really heightens the tension the reader feels. I also like how you kept the reader grounded for the first few pages. This helps the reader understand that they are in the real world and that they have something to compare the strange circumstances to.
Questions/Suggestions:
I have a lot of questions about this story. Is there something supernatural going on in the woods? Who is in the lake? What was crying out in the middle of the night? While the nature of your story allows you to not have to answer these questions, it seems like none of these questions or problems are answered throughout the story. This, personally, causes the story to feel a little frustrating, as no change/character development happens. It honestly seems like the story you want to tell begins at the end of your story.
Him
What is it?
This is the story of a girl who finally speaks her mind.
Likes:
I liked the characterization and the description you have at the beginning of your story. It really heightens the scene and adds more realism into the story. I also like how you use characters to create scenarios that bring Tessa and Peyton together.
Questions/Suggestions:
My biggest suggestion is to add more description/action while Peyton and Tessa are talking. You have incredibly long sections of dialogue and personally, that took me out of the story. It’s very dialogue heavy, but I feel like, even if this is happening in her mind, Tessa and Peyton would be doing something, like getting drinks or looking flustered. I also feel like Tessa didn’t go through a change during this narrative, which made the ending a little flat for me.
Short Story 1
What is it?
This is the story of a man grappling with his traumatic childhood and discovering gruesome truths in the process.
Likes:
You described the horrific aspects of your story really well! The description of the main character’s hand being melted off on page 5 was especially well done! Your twist ending was also well done! I really enjoyed the main character failing for once and how you made the monster take over. The last line “I was here to stay” was really impactful and I feel like it really made the story.
Questions/Suggestions:
I know that this story is more of a horror/mystery, but I feel like I have a lot of questions still. Why didn’t their mom take the children when she left? Why did the main character have a dream-like sequence in the middle of the chase scene? Obviously, some of these questions don’t have an answer just based on the nature of the story, but I feel like the reader lacks some kind of grounding before you fling them into the weird and wild. I think that if you focus more on the psychological horror aspects, you can fit a lot of the main character’s backstory throughout the narrative, instead of just in the first couple pages.
Frames
What is it?
This is the story about how someone’s passion and legacy transcend death.
Likes:
I liked the dialogue and your choices of setting for multiple parts of the story. The scene where the two characters meet in a movie theater was really well done, and I also like how you gave Jaime a smoking habit, something that the reader can connect her cancer to. The vices you give the characters make them feel like real people.
Questions/Suggestions:
My biggest questions surround the ending. I feel like I almost forgot about the deal Jaime and Will made about the movie, and once the ending happened, I was thrown for a loop. I think you have a lot of ideas going on with this story, but it might be better to stick to one train of thought instead of merging them. It could just be me, but I felt very confused as a reader. I also thought that some of the events were a little random, like the truck crashing into the building.
Short Story 1
What is it?
This is the story of a painter who finds inspiration in a mysterious woman and a small, lost child
Likes:
I really enjoyed the amount of detail within your story. The beginning of your story really focuses on the woman and her body language, showing either anger, frustrations, and anxiety. You did this really well, especially when you consider that the reader doesn’t understand the cause of the woman’s distress. I also like how you introduced Mia. It was very sudden, putting the main character and the reader in the same position. We are instantly inundated with questions, which creates more tension in the story.
Questions/Suggestions:
I think one of my main questions was about how Mia got lost in the first place. Honestly, I’m not sure if you need to address this, but I am curious. The other main question I had was about Derrek. How did he start painting? Why was he in the park? Is there something about that park that makes him want to paint? There’s a lot of potential to create more tension based on Derrek’s backstory. If you create a meaning behind the place and give Derrek a greater motivation, I think the reader would connect to him just a bit more.
Closure
What is it?
This is the story of grief and acceptance.
Likes:
I like the relationship that you describe between the main character and her husband. Your descriptions of grief, especially the physical reaction your narrator has when arriving home, are very well done. You have a lot of very moving sentences and your prose is great!
Questions/Suggestions:
It seems like the majority of your story takes place as a flashback, so maybe that’s actually where your story starts. What if you pulled the reader along on this relationship, only to end with the suicide note and the woman’s acceptance? I think you should really consider what story you’d like to tell and where you think it begins. Other than that, well done!
