Category: Uncategorized (Page 2 of 5)

The following metacommentary is based on journals I completed during my independent study. I have added a few thoughts from my current perspective.

Based on the feedback from the last meeting with Professor Miller, there are a few things I want to revise once I make more headway into the main plot of the novella. First, I agreed that the opening might not be the best place to start the story. I love the scene. It started out as a short story start, but then grew into so much more. With a little revision, I think the scene could be condensed, especially once I figure out my intentions with it. It definitely has a place in the story, at least, it does right now. That could change, but I really think that it might be better to place it later on, maybe when the audience has a better grasp of reality. One of the pieces of advice that I was given was to “solidify the audience in reality, then bend it”. I’ve seen that Neil Gaiman does this in his novella, The Ocean at the End of the Lane, and I think that it’s a good rule to live by, especially when it comes to real-world fantasy. Another thing I’d like to revise is the scene right after Caim and Abel’s meeting with the priest. It stung, but I agree that the scene is too long and too dialogue heavy. I tried writing the next ten pages with a focus on Abel’s inner monologue as well as setting description, and even this attempt showed me just how much space the dialogue in the previous sections was taking. I like the humor in that scene, and I think my original intention was to just give some background information of the aspects of Hell, but I know that that information can fit so much better in another part of my story. The whole scene might just have to be scrapped and moved around. I felt a little discouraged about this at first, but the more I think about it, the more I’m realizing that I can never make a perfect first draft and that I’m telling the story to myself. The good stuff will come later. One last thing I’d like to revise is the dynamic between Caim and Abel. It almost feels a little inconsistent. Sometimes, they’ll act like they tolerate each other, then other times, Abel is just downright rude while Caim wants to murder him. I think having a little more grounding, not just in terms of their relationship, but in setting and time too, would be helpful in the long run.

I think some of the biggest revisions I can make with the second set of pages would be on pacing and character. When it comes to character, I need to revise some aspects of Abel’s dialogue/inner monologue just to make sure it fits, but I also need to heighten the tension between Abel and his parents. One way is to develop Abel’s competency/incompetency when it comes to working at the escape room or just being an adult in general. I should also revise the ending of the scene on page 6, just so Abel has a more immediate consequence to his actions (or rather, Caim’s actions). The clean up scene between Calliope and Abel slows the story down, so I need to make sure that the plot keeps moving. It needs to be compacted, but I’m still trying to figure out how to move the story along without sacrificing Calliope’s role within the story. I also just need to get to the library quicker, as it tends to linger on smaller, insignificant details. It seems like these pages have a good idea of where they’re going, but they just need to be refined in smaller, more detailed ways.

I think in terms of revision for the third set of pages, I need to work up the tension and the reasoning for certain scenes (like the dream sequences). There’s a lot of tension that I could use, but I tend to go through those scenes a little too quickly. There’s also a moment where Calliope, Caim, and Abel leave the library. Instead of showing the tension there, I just tell it. I think that’s the biggest point of revision within those pages. I need to work on building the tension and figure out which parts to “skim” past and which parts need to be worked up a little more. I’m somewhat happy with the pages I’ve written, but I need to really think about what points of the story I need to highlight and draw out a bit more. This isn’t so much a story revision as much as a “personal revision”, but I need to be kinder to myself when looking at the pages I’ve written and their quality. I’m just writing a draft, so it’s almost supposed to be crappy.

For the fourth set of pages, I need to focus particularly on the relationship between Abel and his parents. I also need to think about the reasoning/specifics of Abel taking over the family business. Since this is one of the main factors keeping Abel and Caim together, the relationship between Abel and his parents needs to be dismembered to cause more tension within the story. Another smaller edit would be to fix the use of italics within this section. The story is told from a first person perspective, so there’s really no need to use italics to designate Abel’s personal thoughts. One of the other biggest revisions regards Quinn. There’s a scene in which Abel blames himself for Quinn’s death, but it’s a little jarring and out of the blue. Therefore, I need to put in more moments/breadcrumbs relating to Quinn earlier on in the story, specifically about his death.

My biggest revisions for this section revolve around the relationship between Quinn and Abel. I need to establish the relationship more before plunging the reader into a huge backstory. I also need to rework some of the ‘romantic’ dialogue, as it feels/reads too scripted. One of the biggest things regards Quinn’s death. I need to clarify how long it’s been since Quinn died in order to keep Abel “stuck” in the age/mindset he was when he died. Some smaller revisions would be to dial up Abel’s grief and to plant seeds regarding Abel’s personal burdens.

The story I revised was Six Bullets. The original story followed an FBI agent named Reyes on a date with her girlfriend, Penny. During the date, Reyes was planning to propose, but they were interrupted by a gang, resulting in a shootout. I had a lot of fun writing the story, but there was a lot of confusion about some technical aspects of the story, such as why Reyes ran out of bullets and why the fight had gone on for so long (I originally wrote that the shootout had lasted for about an hour). The biggest concern was about the story itself. A lot of people questioned what the story was really about. Some focused a lot on the physical fight and said that the story was about a shootout rather than the relationship between Reyes and Penny. Others said that the story was strictly about that relationship and that the shootout was just a background. It really made me think about the story I wanted to tell. Another big concern was how well the story fit in a short-story format. For my revision, I decided to stick with the relationship of Penny and Reyes, but I also wanted to include some of the messy aspects that had been hinted at the beginning of the original story (like Penny being irritated at Reyes’s line of work). It was a “kill your darlings” sort of moment, but I found that the best way to revise this story was to essentially reimagine it. The FBI subplot and the shoot-out was scrapped, though I included a metaphorical date revolver within the revision. The revision focuses a lot more on the actual relationship of Penny and Reyes, highlighting the flaws of both characters and how their views of the relationship change throughout the night. I think the biggest change, besides the whole rewrite, was having Reyes become a fully-fleshed character. She obviously loves Penny, though she has no filter and can be impulsively hurtful just to make herself feel better. I also feel that Penny is more of a character in this version than in the original. In the original, Penny was pretty much a side character, but this time, she feels more like an initial antagonist, even if the audience agrees with her by the end of the story. There’s definitely more revision to do with the story, as I feel like I could have developed their relationship more. A future revision that I’d like to explore would be starting the story earlier in the night so the readers could see Penny’s initial frustration. In terms of this version, I feel like this revision makes the story fit better in a short story format than the original, though I’d like to revisit the original concept at some point, just for fun! Overall, I’m happy with the choices I made for this revision and I feel that it better reflects the main themes of the story.

My second story, Six Bullets, was reviewed on 12/1. Initially, I was pretty nervous about this story. I wanted to challenge myself and write an action sequence that didn’t lose momentum throughout the narrative. I also wanted the fight scene to not be the “main” story. Based on the feedback I received, I think I might’ve tried to pack too much into the story. A lot of the feedback was about character motivation, such as why Reyes was checking for the ring during a shootout, and other concerns about technical things, like Reyes not having extra ammo. I think for my revisions in the future, I need to focus on revising the technicalities of this story. There were a lot of things that took out the readers, most of which could’ve been avoided if I had written the story carefully. One of the biggest notes was that I either need to heighten the tension and story surrounding the shootout or I need to heighten the tension/story surrounding Reyes and Penny. Personally, I might lean towards the latter, though I’m not quite sure. If anything, I might take out some of the exposition portions. This review session was a little harder than the last one, mostly because I was happy with a lot of the things that I had written. I want to try and revise this story, but I also feel like it doesn’t quite fit the form of a short story. Regardless, this peer review was helpful, especially since I need to work on clarity and technicalities within my stories.