This is the story of a woman’s hubris and the recognition of her impending insanity by both herself and her crew. I liked how you pursued a fantasy-type story, even though fantasy short stories can be incredibly difficult to write. I think you did a wonderful job with your worldbuilding. You give the reader enough of the “real” world for your story to have a sense of realism while also maintaining your fantasy elements. I enjoyed your steampunk inspiration, though I wish we got a little more of that description within the narrative. I’m a sucker for sea-faring stories and adventures, so I genuinely enjoyed this story, especially since it gives off a “Moby Dick” vibe. I thought you did a great job developing the captain’s (Alina) motivations for hunting the serpent and I liked how you first told the story to the reader as a “fable” from one of the crewmates. It gives a sense of wonder and fantasy to Alina, though we are also disconnected from her. Moving onto suggestions, I think that you can improve your story in terms of development. While I like the different perspectives, I feel like you keep your characters separated. You have a line near the end of the story that insinuates that Alina and Kieran have unspoken thoughts and feelings towards each other, but I feel as though there is very little development in terms of the relationship they have. The relationship between Pace and Alina is done better, but I wish that there was just more characterization. Your piece is incredibly character-driven and believe me when I say that your readers want to know just as much about them as you already do. Despite some development on relationships, there’s a few spots that you may want to go into greater depth, but I’ve marked these spaces on the hard copy I’m going to give you, so keep a look out. Overall, well done on your story!
Category: Short Story End Comments (Page 3 of 3)
This story is about a young person figuring out their identity in the midst of an abusive and emotionally immature mother. One of the aspects I enjoyed about this story is your use of dialogue between the main character, Aleia, and their mother. While there are tender moments (like the apologies), there are many other instances of tension between the two that never really fades away because of their relationship. I also like how you showed that Aleia is around a teenager-age through their attitude, clothing, and their thoughts. It made Aleia truly feel like a real person with a range of emotions and thoughts. I also enjoyed the fact that you didn’t shy away from a tough subject, as many LGBTQ+ individuals struggle with this exact scenario. In this sense, I think the majority of your story is realistic. I did have some questions about the meaning of the demons and what exactly their inclusion added to the story. I could be missing something, but I felt it like the demons were a physical manifestation of Aleia’s own self-destructive thoughts. Regardless of how you approach this situation, I think the story would benefit from developing a more intimate relationship between Aleia and their demons. A little suggestion would also be to italicize words you want to exaggerate instead of reverting between capitalizations within words. Personally, this aspect took me out of the story, even though I understood what you were trying to accomplish with this style. Overall, I enjoy your voice and the dark theme you’ve chosen. This is a very solid piece with room to grow!
END COMMENTS: What is it? What’s working? What questions the piece raises? What suggestions do you have for the writer?
This story, to me at least, focuses on the illusion of appearance. Heather is feminine, yet confident and sometimes unemotional while Billy has a hulking and intimidating frame, yet he’s a matter-of-fact and anxious person. It’s clear that your story knows what it is just through the framing and voice of your narration, even though there are some instances where it may stumble. Regarding what works, I think you have natural dialogue. The interactions between Heather and Billy don’t seem forced, even if they are tense at the beginning. You also sprinkle bits of your characters into dialogue. Heather’s dialogue is to the point, as she focuses on what she wants and ignores practically everything else. Billy’s dialogue, on the other hand, is slower and casual. It’s a refreshing combination that works well together. Another aspect that works well in your story is the foreshadowing elements. They weave seamlessly into the narrative that it feels as though the audience just glanced at the TV for a moment, and then is right back in the action. It was also really satisfying to see it all tie together at the end. There were a few questions I had regarding the story, mainly about Billy. Why had it taken him so long to talk about the murder of Bennie and George? Also, if Billy, George, and Bennie were so close, then how come Billy doesn’t know what the DA had on Bennie? Heather also has a reputation that Billy knows about, but what kind of reputation is that? I don’t think the audience necessarily needs to know, but I was just curious. The ending does leave some questions about how and if Heather succeeds, but the beauty in your ending is that it leaves it up to the audience. There are a few suggestions I have. There are a few places where it seems like you could slow down, like the scene where Billy reveals his identity. Heather seems to recover from the reveal rather quickly, but it may be interesting to see how she reacts and if there are any exploits she may know him from. There are also a few word choices that may need to be reconsidered to see if they’re the best fit, but that’s not something you should worry too much about. It’s also a small thing, but for some reason it was bothering me. Billy says “Hmph” a lot during the story and it kind of put me off. It’s up to you and it may just be a preference, but consider taking some of them out. A last thing to consider would be to add some insight on how Heather sees Ted Johnson at the end. She seemingly goes to “take down a politician”, but without any proof, what exactly is her motivation? Overall, you have a strong story and I really enjoyed it!
END COMMENTS: What is it? What’s working? What questions the piece raises? What suggestions do you have for the writer?
I think that this story and the author know what it is and what it wants to be, but the audience may not know what exactly it is because of how massive the scope is. You’ve got a really great idea and an incredible voice (It reminds me of Frankenstein’s narration of the novel), yet the details of the story get lost within the exposition. You said it yourself within your notes that you wanted to get to the “story you actually wanted to tell”. If that’s the case, then why not skip the exposition and get to where you want to be? There are a lot of things that are working in this story. Like I’ve said before, you’ve got this classical, almost Victorian-esq voice that really pulls you in to the story. The characters, especially Richard Brothers, really come to life in your dialogue, which flows naturally and rarely feels forced. I think one of the biggest issues I have with your story is the motivation of your characters. Arlo seems to be very passive and lies (on the second page) about how religious he is. If he hasn’t been religious for a while, then why is he so eager to participate in the task that Sharp sets him on? Richard Browns, while he was interesting as a character, felt underdeveloped in the motivational sense. The audience understands that he’s religious, but we don’t get a sense of why he wants to stop Sharp’s “heresy” and we also don’t get enough about the relationship between Arlo and Richard to justify why Richard wanted to keep Arlo from getting involved in the first place. In a sense, you may be too concerned about the audience understanding the background of the story instead of focusing on developing the “now” for the characters. On a more positive note, the research and time that you’ve clearly taken to develop this world is commendable and it shows in the smallest details. Your first page has wonderful descriptions of the shops and houses, and also makes use of your voice well. The only suggestion regarding your voice would be to take out some fluff, as it sometimes feels like you’ve just used a thesaurus for most places. Overall, you’ve got a great concept and voice, but you may need to develop the motivations of your characters more and decide the best starting place for your story.
