This is a sweet story about being irreplaceable and the chaos of change. I thought your story was incredibly heartwarming and gave me some Studio Ghibli vibes, especially with the talking cat. The story overall is one that is relatable, because people you know can change and meet someone new, and honestly that’s a fact of life. Your story describes those feelings of neglect very well, especially as the story is character-focused. The dialogue feels natural at most parts, particularly the conversation between Thomas and Sam. I was honestly expecting the story to focus on the relationship between Thomas and Matthias, so seeing the story go in a different direction was also really satisfying to me. I do have a few comments though. Why did Thomas have to get amnesia? I understand that overall it’s a source of connection between him and Sam, but I feel like having Thomas enter into the apartment with no form of ID just raises more questions than answers. Thomas can still feel like he isn’t getting things right with his sister and nieces even when he doesn’t have amnesia, and honestly I think that would be a little more provoking to see a character who seems to be kind-hearted and level-headed struggle with supporting his family. I think if you go with that route, then Matthias and Thomas could meet through work or someplace else and the end result would be the same. Also, I had some questions about why Sam could talk, which doesn’t necessarily have to be answered, but I think that maybe if you put some background to Matthias and Sam it would clear some stuff up. What does Matthias do? How did he get Sam? etc. Overall, you’ve done a great job with your story!
Category: Short Story (Page 2 of 3)
This is the story of a woman being kidnapped from one horror story to another. You write horror stories so well Eve! Your descriptions of the blood and gore, especially near the middle and end, are really well done. It’s cliche to say this, but I could really see the blood smeared around the car and the other “prey” woman covered in wounds. Through a first read, I was very confused about the beginning with Tabitha going in and out of consciousness, but the more I think about it, the more I like that aspect of being almost drugged along with Tabitha. She doesn’t know what’s going on, and honestly, neither does the character. The whole act of the kidnapping isn’t the main focus of the story, and I think you made a good decision in making it vague to push the plot forward. That being said, I think there are a few places in the beginning where you could be a little more descriptive, because to a general reader, the whole vagueness of the situation may turn them off to the story. While I did enjoy your story, I had a few problems to Sol’s motivations. You have Sol tell us that they’re disillusioned with life and have begun to feel so numb to everything, but why do they believe Tabitha can solve their problems? Think about a character completely different to her, and then ask if that character would have the same impact on Sol as Tabitha does. I hate to say this, but it seems that Sol only seems to like Tabitha because of what she’s gone through rather than who she is. Don’t get me wrong, I already love these characters, so these are just a few questions I had about them because I’m interested in how they can be further developed. I really enjoyed Tabitha’s ending line of “Tell me how I can get a set of fangs like that”, and up until this point, the reader understands that she’s always held back from taking a stand against Xavier’s abuse out of a hope that he’d change. Again, I love this ending, but I think it comes off a little abruptly as Tabitha’s character has been more of a static character until that point. Maybe if you add some of her thoughts during the fight between vampires, you can add a sort of “snapping” moment where she realizes that she’s done with all the bullshit she’s gone through, which would lead her to wanting to become more powerful as a vampire. Overall, great story Eve! You should be super proud!
This is the story of a seamstress named Uzume attempting to bring her parents and husband together. As a character-driven piece, the dialogue in this story felt very natural, especially seen in conversations between Uzume and Kenta. I also liked your pacing. The beginning followed Uzume in a time of calm, reminding a reader of “peace before the storm”. It’s slow enough to help the reader understand the character and setting but not fast enough to place the reader right into the action. The overall story of the seamstress is very sweet and heartwarming, definitely reminding me of a sort of star crossed lovers trope. Throughout the narrative, there is a lot of really great imagery and callbacks to events earlier in the story. I do have some suggestions: There are transitional sections that don’t have breaks or any indications of a scene change, which threw me off in some parts. This is an easy fix, so I wouldn’t dwell on it too much. The development of Uzume’s parents felt a little flat. I wish that there was something that connected Uzume to her parents besides blood, as we don’t really see how their relationship turns to a point where her parents straight up abandon her. I also wish there was more development or background information for Kenta. We get a lot of his background through dialogue, but I was hoping that maybe Kenta would have doubts about being “good enough” for Uzume and her parents. That would be a great source of development between the two, as a reader may feel like we’re being told that they have a wonderful relationship. Other than that, you’ve done a great job with your story!
This story is a dark twist on “Alice in Wonderland”, in which Alice traverses a hostile environment only to find a devastating truth. There were many things I liked about this story, but the biggest aspect I liked was the description. There are many points within the “wonderland” scenes that are described beautifully, ranging from bright and popping colors to terrifying beasts and rabbits. Each description makes me feel like I’ve been trapped in my own psychedelic realm. The other great part of this story is Alice’s own thoughts and voice. There is little interaction or dialogue within the first part of the story, so the reader can only know Alice through her words, thoughts, and actions. We, as readers, learn so much about Alice’s personality through her thoughts, specifically about her thoughtfulness and her young adult mindset. It’s a subtle detail and a wonderful way to get to know a character without using dialogue or outright stating details. I have a few suggestions though. First, while I understand that the wonderland aspect of the story is supposed to be strange and out of the ordinary, there were a few parts in the narrative in which I felt lost. It would have been nice to explore this strange land with Alice without some of the quick transitions. Another thing I suggest is to explore Alice’s motivations. She does a few things, especially in wonderland, that I felt confused about. She approaches the Queen, though it is implied that she knows her already, along with her violent attitude. There are also a few moments where I feel like Alice becomes passive, and the readers don’t get to hear what she thinks of wonderland. Overall, the writing of this story is wonderful!
This is the story of a woman who is girlbossing her way into getting the justice she deserves. It’s a very dark story, one that definitely doesn’t shy away from hard topics and graphic descriptions, but I think that your story benefits from how honest it is. Your dialogue felt natural and the sense of anger and hostility was present throughout the narrative. While your story doesn’t shy away, it doesn’t get too in-depth of the harder topics, which is great. I feel like a lot of stories can get bogged down by over the top scenes and truly graphic descriptions, but you balance your characters’ emotions and actions with a toned-down description. I loved your ending, especially the 911 line. I think it adds some mystery about what happens to your characters. Will Essie turn herself in? Will she just report the body? Did Gunner actually die? It’s a nice to see a character who truly deserves justice, but the author just barely teases the conclusion of it. Suggestion-wise, I don’t think I have a whole lot to say. I would like more background on Essie. I feel like I understood her motivation for wanting justice, but at the same time, there are moments where I don’t quite get why she takes the actions she takes. Why not report to the police first? She says that killing would essentially be a mercy to him, but only really stabs him twice. This is going to be hypocritical, but being stabbed twice doesn’t seem like a “true” punishment that Essie would want to inflict (don’t get me wrong, I’d totally cry and pass out if I were stabbed). In shorter words, Essie seems like a truly rage-filled person with good reason, but she tends to show a lot of restraint despite being in front of her rapist. Overall, you’ve written a great story!
This is the story of a girl coping with her disability by escaping into a fantasy world where everything is just right. First off, you’ve done such a great job with the emotion in this story. Gracie feels like a typical teenage girl who wants to live a “normal” life. It was heartbreaking to hear her thoughts, especially the internalized ableism that she seems to have. Gracie’s voice and thoughts are clear and I feel that these components are the core of your story. I also feel like Gracie is a relatable character despite her disability. Many teenagers feel out of place in high school and want to be seen, which is exactly how Gracie feels in her situation. I loved how you made a character who can be universally relatable while also maintaining her individuality and unique circumstances. Another aspect of your story that I liked was your descriptions. I know it seems like a very general comment, but I really did feel like I could picture Gracie’s room and family. The contrast in descriptions from your “reality” and “fiction” sections was clear and well done, and I really appreciated how you used these descriptions to further the narrative. Some suggestions: I understand that Gracie’s internal ableism is a key point within the narrative, but it also feels like it holds her back. With a character-driven story, I (as a reader) want to see how the character changes. Maybe if you added a teacher or friend that helps/pushes Gracie to see that her disability doesn’t make her any less capable/beautiful/worthy, it may flesh out your story a bit more. I also felt like Gracie’s disability is a little ambiguous, which is fine, but I think if you took a small section to talk about some of the things Gracie can’t physically do it would help the reader understand her internalized ableism more. Overall, you’ve done a great job and you should be really proud of the story you’ve written!
This story is about Hector and Carol, two friends who have feelings for one another, and their mysterious interaction with an extraterrestrial. I really enjoyed the description of the beach and the comic book that Carol has at the beginning. I think it really sets up the narrative that these characters are teenagers that are still figuring out the world. For me, your descriptions of the characters, their hobbies, and even the way you wrote your dialogue combines to create a sense of innocence throughout the story. Some may say that the subdued reactions of Hector and Carol during the unbelievable events are unrealistic, but I honestly think that it’s in character. I remember as a teenager, a lot of stuff happened that I shrugged off, and I feel that many teenagers have the same experiences of crazy, almost implausible events, but they just act like it’s a cool hour in their regular day. I would have enjoyed more regarding Aura. It seems as though they show up and then the story ends. As a reader, I had a lot of questions about the relationship between the three characters that I think you should answer to create a more well-rounded story. Overall, you did a great job!
This story is about a boy named Eren who strives to unite the world of creatures with the world of humans. He tries to accomplish his goal with his friend Dawn, Captain Kamado, and Professor Volkner. The story seems to take a huge inspiration from the Pokemon series. One of the aspects I appreciated was the characterization of Eren and Dawn, especially through their dialogue. Your voice is strong throughout the story, giving a sense of mysticism and casualness to the overall narrative. There were already a few comments about how your story may be too complex for the purposes of a short story, which I agree with. I feel as though I was missing out on crucial information regarding the village and the survey team. I also wish that Eren had more interactions within the community. It seems unlikely to me that the villagers would just accept someone who fell from the sky without some apprehension at first. The tension and mystery surrounding the creatures was also an aspect I enjoyed, but I feel like you take the mystery aspect too far. We barely get a chance to interact with these creatures outside of Regi, who is helpful. Maybe if you added a scene that demonstrates how the creatures can be harmful, it may add more tension and add stakes to why the survey team is needed. Overall, I think my main critique would be to add more detail about your world in certain places, especially when it comes to Eren and the creatures and maybe take out some scenes that hold back the “action” of the story.
This is the story of an FBI agent who turns to his family to solve his final case. The plot of this story is, to me at least, heartwarming. It reminds me of characters and stories that always give their final valiant effort for the greater good or of someone who gives their last ‘hurrah’ before they leave forever. I liked the unique perspective of an elderly character realizing that he’s going to a retirement home and being unable to fully adjust. I feel like modern stories don’t focus on elderly characters as much as they should, so your perspective was very refreshing. I also like the dynamic between his daughter and grandson. It reminds me of old adventure movies made for kids where you have an old, wise mentor figure and then the young, plucky adventurer. Your characters have a timeless feel to them that I think you should experiment with more. Some suggestions: First off, I think that you focus a little too much on exposition rather than putting the readers into the action. The phrase “show don’t tell” comes to mind, but I think you can keep the expositional tone while also giving us moments of action. I would have loved to have a description of the car ride between the grandfather and Brady, or maybe a description of the grandfather’s retirement home. These little details will make the world come to life so much more. Also, small nit-picky thing. One of your characters says “howdy” at one point, and as much as I like to talk about how terrible Ohio is, people don’t talk like that, especially in a city with a bank. I cannot stand for this Ohio slander. Last suggestion is to flesh out your ending a little more. I understand that you’re pressed for pages, but this ending feels so abrupt and like I’m missing a valuable part of the narrative. Overall, you’ve got a great plot going and you have loveable and dynamic characters that just need a little more development!
This story is about a man who tries to do his best to raise his son while also navigating an intense grief over the loss of his wife. Overall, your story had a wonderful and distinct voice that really represented just how hopeless and the depressed your main character felt. I also liked how you broke the story up over the span of a few days to show not only how the main character’s routine is monotonous, but also to show just how the dad disrupts that routine to do what is best for his son. There are many small details of the character’s grief that make it feel real, such as dissociating and messing up small tasks. It truly feels like everything the character tries to do just doesn’t go right. Even when he does succeed, there’s a sense of fragility in the small victories, like he is expecting the worst because he’s already hit rock bottom. Moving onto suggestions, while I think the inner monologue of grief is great, there are places where you can ease up on the blanket grief statements. The audience knows that he’s sad and depressed, so you don’t need to have your main character talk about his grief over and over. Maybe consider showing some aspects of his grief more, such as zoning out or even lashing out at his boss. I also wish that maybe there was a moment where there was tension between father and son. Kevin, although he’s 8, has to have some sense of his mom being gone, and that has to be hard on him. We don’t get any of that though, and it genuinely seems like Kevin is perfectly fine. The audience needs *Drama*, so consider fleshing out Kevin to be more than just a motivation for your main character. Other than that, I think you did a wonderful job!
