My biggest revisions for this section revolve around the relationship between Quinn and Abel. I need to establish the relationship more before plunging the reader into a huge backstory. I also need to rework some of the ‘romantic’ dialogue, as it feels/reads too scripted. One of the biggest things regards Quinn’s death. I need to clarify how long it’s been since Quinn died in order to keep Abel “stuck” in the age/mindset he was when he died. Some smaller revisions would be to dial up Abel’s grief and to plant seeds regarding Abel’s personal burdens.
Category: I.S Journals (Page 1 of 2)
The last few chapter of Neil Gaiman’s The Ocean at the End of the Lane really brought everything together. I think one of the things I like about Gaiman’s writing is that he paces events and character development well. Specifically, I feel as though the pacing is slow enough where it allows the reader to speculate on what happens, but also fast enough where we don’t have to wait long for gratification. The description Gaiman uses within the last chapters is also really great. I found myself loving the mysterious/fantastical elements he incorporates into the bucket scene and even giving a parallel between Lettie and Ursula using the sail-cloth imagery. I was also pleased with how the narrator’s character arc developed. The narrator definitely loses any shred of childhood he had during Lettie’s “death”, but the Hempstock’s ability to gift him his childhood back is a device that allows the story to begin. I think the major question of Gaiman’s work revolves around the idea that “ignorance is bliss”, which it seems to be. As soon as the narrator remembers, he also forgets and moves on with his life. It’s a tale that reminds us to continue living and that the our future is the greatest gift of all.
I think the biggest thing that struck me during chapters 8-11 was just how much happened within a short amount of time. These chapters were action oriented and at this point, I feel like everything before this was really just the set up for this point, even though it felt like major events were happening. I also liked how the narrator began to reflect on the story he was telling. Typically, he had the ability to reflect, but now, it seems like the narrator is wondering how things went wrong and is just now realizing some of the larger implications of other characters’ actions (like his father). I also enjoyed the resurgence of the kitten once he reached the Hempstocks, but I also feel like there’s something sinister about it. Earlier in the story, Lettie told him not to keep it, yet the kitten has sought the narrator out. Is some of his innocence returning to him? The narrator had forgotten most of his childhood until he looked at the ocean, so maybe this is a some foreshadowing into how the narrator loses his memory?
For revisions, I need to focus particularly on the relationship between Abel and his parents. I also need to think about the reasoning/specifics of Abel taking over the family business. Since this is one of the main factors keeping Abel and Caim together, the relationship between Abel and his parents needs to be dismembered to cause more tension within the story. Another smaller edit would be to fix the use of italics within this section. The story is told from a first person perspective, so there’s really no need to use italics to designate Abel’s personal thoughts. One of the other biggest revisions regards Quinn. There’s a scene in which Abel blames himself for Quinn’s death, but it’s a little jarring and out of the blue. Therefore, I need to put in more moments/breadcrumbs relating to Quinn earlier on in the story, specifically about his death.
I think in terms of revision, I need to work up the tension and the reasoning for certain scenes (like the dream sequences). There’s a lot of tension that I could use, but I tend to go through those scenes a little too quickly. There’s also a moment where Calliope, Caim, and Abel leave the library. Instead of showing the tension there, I just tell it. I think that’s the biggest point of revision within those pages. I need to work on building the tension and figure out which parts to “skim” past and which parts need to be worked up a little more. I’m somewhat happy with the pages I’ve written, but I need really think about what points of the story I need to highlight and draw out a bit more. This isn’t so much a story revision as much as a “personal revision”, but I need to be kinder to myself when looking at the pages I’ve written and their quality. I’m just writing a draft, so it’s almost suppose to be crappy.
Chapters 6 and 7 were really pivotal in terms of plot. I enjoyed how we immediately got the payoff/consequences of our narrator’s actions. We knew, based on Gaiman’s foreshadowing, that letting go of Lettie’s hand would prove to have disastrous consequences, and though it took about two *short* chapters, we finally got to see what happened. It also feels like we’ve been introduced to the main antagonist of the story. While Gaiman has been pretty liberal with his dialogue, except in cases with Lettie, he uses Ursula’s words, rather than her actions/looks, to demonstrate that she is actually a monster. I also really enjoyed the juxtaposition of having the main character call himself a “monster” at the beginning of chapter six, only to show the reader how the rest of his family is becoming monster-like because of Ursula’s influence. This is especially seen in chapter seven with the bathtub scene.
The description in chapters 4 and 5 really caught my attention. Specifically, in chapter 4, I also saw examples of Gaiman’s pacing, which is similar to some of the revisions I need to do in my work. At the beginning of chapter 4, the narrator and Lettie hunt for the spirit, but Lettie needs to find specific objects to lead them to it. The first object is a blue flower, which Gaiman describes within about two-three sentences. Each object after this is given one identifier (i.e., “something red”), and then a short, one sentence description of what it is. While I’m not sure I can be this brief in my own writing, it did make me think of the delicate balance between advancing the plot and taking time for description. Gaiman understands the importance of these objects, but feels as though a short, one sentence description of them would tell the reader all the information they’d need to know, which is true. We don’t need to have three sentences about how the blood of a vole is red, we just need to know that the red that they were looking for was from a vole. I also liked how Gaiman gives us a guide through this chapter, unlike the previous chapters. In the prior chapters, our narrator was simply recalling what had happened and gave us some context as to the events that were happening. In chapter 4, Lettie takes the narrator by the hand and leads us through. We have very little context as to what is happening, yet Lettie takes us by the hand and guides us through the chapter as well as some brief, yet important information. Chapter 5, on the other hand, really focuses on description, just see how Gaiman describes the process of pulling out the worm. Yuck. It’s a short chapter, only three pages, yet it’s an intimate moment with the narrator. As he says on page 47, “worms were just something that happened to people”. This quote reminds us that he is just a child, despite the circumstances. It may not seem like an important chapter, but the ending brings up a point about self-identity, which seems to be a major theme within the novel so far.
I think some of the biggest revisions I can make with the second set of pages would be on pacing and character. When it comes to character, I need to revise some aspects of Abel’s dialogue/inner monologue just to make sure it fits, but I also need to heighten the tension between Abel and his parents. One way is to develop Abel’s competency/incompetency when it comes to working at the escape room or just being an adult in general. I should also revise the ending of the scene on page 6, just so Abel has a more immediate consequence to his actions (or rather, Caim’s actions). The clean up scene between Calliope and Abel slows the story down, so I need to make sure that the plot keeps moving. It needs to be compacted, but I’m still trying to figure out how to move the story along without sacrificing Calliope’s role within the story. I also just need to get to the library quicker, as it tends to linger on smaller, insignificant details. It seems like these pages have a good idea of where they’re going, but they just need to be refined in smaller, more details ways.
Chapter 3 of Neil Gaiman’s The Ocean at the End of the Lane really, for lack of a better word, was a mindfuck for me just in terms of content. We, as the readers, know that there’s something weird/mystical about the Hempstock family, but at this point, I think that they might be witches or part-fae or something. It’s a small craft element, but the way that Gaiman is slowly feeding us more and more confusing information about the Hempstocks just builds the tension up really well. Foreshadowing, I feel, is a prominent craft element within this chapter. The next few lines might be completely wrong, given the fact that I haven’t finished the novella and that some of the things that I think are foreshadowing might not actually be foreshadowing. The first instance was at the beginning of the chapter, where the narrator talks about replacing the white Mini for the black Rover. Normally, when Gaiman has brought up an object or an animal, it tends to have a major impact on the growth of the narrator. This, however, just seemed to be an introduction to the letter event. It seems odd to me, that Gaiman would be so specific with the black Rover, only to use it as a means of introducing a letter and a major plot point. I feel like it might come up in the future, though I might be looking too much into this. On page 29, the narrator sees Lettie and describes her as “[looking] as if she had been waiting for a hundred years and could wait for another hundred”. This foreshadows the conversation they have later about how long Lettie has been eleven for. These two events/conversations mark a huge character plot point of the Hempstocks and it is sure to come up again. There are so many lines in this chapter that reveal things about different characters, but one in particular stood out to me. On page 32, when Old Mrs. Hempstock tells the narrator about seeing electrons, the narrator says, “You must have very good eyesight,” and then promptly tells the reader that he was impressed by her abilities. This line is humorous, but also reminds the reader that the narrator is only seven. The things that he’s relating are from a long time ago, back when things didn’t make much sense, especially when supernatural events start happening. Another line that reminds us of his age is on page 26, where he says that he’d like to buy a Batcave. It’s almost like Gaiman is dropping little reminders of the narrator’s innocence before something terrible happens. I had a lot of questions during this chapter, many plot related, many Hempstock related, though one of my biggest questions revolved around the narrator’s nightmare. I understand that he never had many friends, as shown in chapters 1 and 2 with no one attending his birthday party, so when his bullies chase him, it makes sense. I’m confused about his grandfather’s involvement within the dream. It’ll definitely come back up to “haunt” us, but why was the grandfather the one to show the silver shilling down the narrator’s throat? It seems to be a pivotal moment within the narrative, and assigning a close family member to inflict pain, intentional or not, is a pretty intentional choice.
Based on the feedback from the last meeting with Professor Miller, there are a few things I want to revise once I make more headway into the main plot of the novella. First, I agreed that the opening might not be the best place to start the story. I love the scene. It started out as a short story start, but then grew into so much more. With a little revision, I think the scene could be condensed, especially once I figure out my intentions with it. It definitely has a place in the story, at least, it does right now. That could change, but I really think that it might be better to place it later on, maybe when the audience has a better grasp of reality. One of the pieces of advice that I was given was to “solidify the audience in reality, then bend it”. I’ve seen that Neil Gaiman does this in his novella, The Ocean at the End of the Lane, and I think that it’s a good rule to live by, especially when it comes to real-world fantasy. Another thing I’d like to revise is the scene right after Caim and Abel’s meeting with the priest. It stung, but I agree that the scene is too long and too dialogue heavy. I tried writing the next ten pages with a focus on Abel’s inner monologue as well as setting description, and even this attempt showed me just how much space the dialogue in the previous sections was taking. I like the humor in that scene, and I think my original intention was to just give some background information of the aspects of Hell, but I know that that information can fit so much better in another part of my story. The whole scene might just have to be scrapped and moved around. I felt a little discouraged about this at first, but the more I think about it, the more I’m realizing that I can never make a perfect first draft and that I’m telling the story to myself. The good stuff will come later. One last thing I’d like to revise is the dynamic between Caim and Abel. It almost feels a little inconsistent. Sometimes, they’ll act like they tolerate each other, then other times, Abel is just downright rude while Caim wants to murder him. I think having a little more grounding, not just in terms of their relationship, but in setting and time too, would be helpful in the long run.
