Author: Alex (Page 9 of 21)

Gravity is Greedy

What is it?

This is the story of a person overcoming their fears and their troublesome history

Likes:

Your description is amazing! I think you did a wonderful job of painting a setting for the reader. One of my favorite things about this story is how we’re constantly in Nina’s mind, save for a few scenes where she speaks to her friends. The reader really gets a sense of who Nina is, despite the fact that we only see from her perspective.

Questions/Suggestions:

I really love this story and think you did an amazing job, but I wonder about how much room it takes. Nine pages is definitely not a lot, but I worry that other readers may feel as though the story is drawn out. Again, I don’t necessarily agree with the suggestion I’m giving you, because I’m honestly a little stumped on what to say because you did a great job. I would look at some of your paragraphs and see if you could consolidate some of them into one “scene”. I guess one question I do have is why the place is so important for the characters. It’s the last day of summer, so why are they spending it near a bridge? Again, these are small suggestions/questions because I genuinely don’t know what to say.

Be More Like Pistachios

What is it?

This is the story of a girl dealing with the guilt and grief of losing her only friend

Likes:

I liked how you set the story up in the beginning, especially through Mrs. Web’s comments about Addie not having friends. I think your intro really pulls the reader in. I also liked how natural the flashback sequences were and the genuine relationship you create between Addie and Heather. The dialogue is meaningful and smooth during these sequences, along with the rest of the story, but I feel as though the dialogue in the flashbacks hold a little more weight.

Questions/Suggestions:

I found that I was a little confused about the ages of Addie and Heather during the flashback sequences. I don’t think it’s a big deal, but maybe adding some indication of their ages might help. Sometimes the dialogue/vocabulary felt a little too old or young and I was having trouble placing it. The next comment is a bit of a stretch, so take it with a grain of salt. I would consider what story you’d like to tell. It feels like the bulk of your story is within the flashbacks, and it seems like you’re more interested in building up the relationship between the friends. Consider how powerful/devastating it’d be if the story ended with the accident and Addie’s possession of Pistachio.

Date Night

What is it?

This is the story of two very busy Demigods who finally find time for a date.

Likes:

I really like your character description and the voice you have. I’d describe your voice as informal, but not in a bad way! It makes me think of how regular teenagers would tell a story or talk to their friends. The voice makes the story about demigods going on dates believable.

Questions/Suggestions:

It feels like you tell the audience a lot of information instead of showing it to us. There’s one line in particular where you say that Oliver is thankful for Kyle. These moments can be shown through the characters’ actions and words, rather than statements. You also have a lot of background information that seems really squished into the story, and a part of me wonders just how relevant the information is to the reader, especially since it feels like the story truly starts when Isaac and Oliver meet for their date.

Roadtrip

What is it?

This is the story about the excitement of new beginnings and freedom.

Likes:

I really enjoyed the characterization of Brooke and Sammy. The line (on page 1) about Sammy being a stress-snacker is a good example of this. I also thought that your depiction/description of unbridled freedom and the car bursting from their town was really well done. The excitement that exudes from Sammy and Brooke is palpable for the reader. I really enjoyed the hair-cutting scene in the hotel, as it felt like the peak moment for the two characters and a solidifying action that they aren’t returning to their home.

Questions/Suggestions:

I think my biggest concern with this story is the development of the characters. We see that they have this very well-thought out plan and have the cash, clothes, and transportation to get them out of their town, but it all seems to go too well for them. Something needs to get these characters to change, besides cutting their hair. What would happen to Sammy and Brooke if they had been caught? What would they do if the hotel didn’t have a room for the night? As a reader, I really want to see how characters change and develop in the best and worst of circumstances. I think there’s a lot of potential in this story to make things go wrong for them, which always makes for a fleshed out narrative.

Short Story 1

What is it?

This is the story of a future generation attempting to bridge the gap between themselves and their ancestors.

Likes:

This is such a unique concept! I like how you focused in on a key moment, instead of explaining the whole history of Stephan’s search for answers. I also like how you very deliberately sprinkled in details about Stephan’s people without stating them right at the very beginning of the story. You create a slow buildup to the world the reader is in really well.

Questions/Suggestions:

I think my biggest question is about Stephan’s motivation. You said in class that he’s a historian, but I was really curious to see/hear why he chose that path. You have a wonderful moment of empathy when Stephan sees the small handprint, which can clue the reader into his motivations, but it leaves a lot of room for speculation. I also think that giving more detail about Stephan and his people who be good. We know that they’re these mer-folk types of people, but you have the potential to really be creative in how they look/talk, etc.

One More Job

What is it?

This is the story of what happens when you’re forced to relive the past.

Likes:

I liked the action sequences you wrote. They were really vivid and flowed well. I also thought that your dialogue was well done and didn’t feel forced. One of the biggest things I liked was how you set the story up. You give the characters a realistic motivation to return to a life of crime instead of just having them act like it was a spur of the moment thing.

Questions/Suggestions:

I think my biggest question was really something that you’d have to think about. Does this story really fit in to the form of a short story? I feel like there’s a lot of questions that remain unanswered and I feel like the characters didn’t get enough time to face consequences/change throughout the events. I really liked this story, but I feel like you need to consider what parts of it you want to tell.

Short Story #1

What is it?

This is the story of two people who meet and bond through very strange circumstances

Likes:

Description was definitely a highlight in this story! I mentioned this during class, but the way you write sounds and silent moments were great! The little things you’re able to describe really give the story another layer of life, especially in a setting that wouldn’t have much in the way of spectacular scenery. Another thing I liked was your characterization. Q and Sunny feel and read like two distinct people, but Sunny lives up to their name.

Questions/Suggestions:

I was really curious about Sunny’s backstory, as well as the relationship between Q and their mom. You have some really wonderful moments where Q and Sunny open up to each other, but it always felt too short. I think you have these two lonely and open characters, and while I love the moments you have with them, I think creating more genuine and “heavy” moments between the two of them would create a larger depth (no pun intended) in your story.

Girlfriends

What is it?

This is the story of loss and surviving despite heartbreak.

Likes:

I really liked how you characterized the relationship between your characters. Within the first page, the reader definitely gets a sense of how close they both are to each other just based on their actions. I also really appreciated the dialogue and how the serious moments are underlined with a sense of humor.

Questions/Suggestions:

My biggest suggestion would be to expand upon how the main character feels about her roommate leaving, as well as how she feels about essentially being mislead for an entire semester. I feel like most people would be really angry and upset, but it seems like your character is more understanding. If you want to keep the empathy of your character, then really try to highlight just how your character is rationalizing her roommate’s departure.

Atlas

What is it?

This is the story of a person lost in space who is desperately trying to find their way home.

Likes:

Your dialogue and the inner monologue of Alex is done really well! I loved the banter between Alex and Percy. Your pacing was also done well. The story never seemed to drag on or feel too slow for me. I think the way you go through Alex’s day to day life definitely adds to the tension you build throughout the story.

Questions/Suggestions:

My biggest questions focus on each characters’ backstory. Who is Percy? Why would Alex think of them as they slowly start to lose it? What did Alex do back on Earth? I think one of the biggest suggestions is to not only expand upon the the characters you have, but to also expand upon their motivations. What exactly is going on with the sun? I think that the confusion surrounding that point kind of takes readers out of your story.

Second Intention

What is it?

This is the story of two rivals who realize how much they appreciate the other after being apart.

Likes:

I really enjoyed the “enemies to friends (to lovers??)” trope you have going on. Jonathan and Finn’s rivalry seems genuine, shown mostly through their dialogue. I also thought it was a great idea to separate them, as their inner dialogue really shows just how much they miss the other. Your characterization was well done!

Questions/Suggestions:

I think my biggest suggestions are about Finn’s character and the accident. I was a little confused about why Finn would ask Jonathan to dance, especially given the fact that you set up an intense rivalry before that point. I think if you make it forced, like all the dance partners were taken so Finn and Jonathan had no one else, it would be a little more believable. I would also consider what Finn’s motivations are for that scene, as well as the purpose of the scene in general. Regarding the fire, I was a little thrown off by how sudden it was, but at the same time, fires are sudden events. I’m not quite sure how to make it flow a bit better, but personally I was thrown off guard by that.

Two Opposing Magnets

What is it?

This is the story of a girl who finally confronts a previous partner, but never gets the answers to her questions.

Likes:

I like the twist at the end where it’s revealed that the whole confrontation was in her mind. I especially like how you revealed it. You literally had someone push Josie out of her own thoughts. Your dialogue was also well-written and flowed.

Questions/Suggestions:

I think one of my biggest questions was just about Tucker’s side of the story and his motivations. What made him decide to change? How did he go from being a great friend to an asshole? I feel like the reader misses out on a lot of Tucker’s character development.

Story #2

What is it?

This is the story of a girl who meets a stranger after an accident

Likes:

Your dialogue felt natural and the connection between your two main characters was a central point within the story. I liked how you focused on that relationship rather than on the accident that brought them together.

Questions/Suggestions:

I think my biggest suggestion was to show rather than tell. There’s a lot of dialogue where it feels like Jasper over explains things (like her phone being dead). I think adding more of Maisie’s inner thoughts and feelings would help flesh out the story more. I would’ve also like some development on the relationship between Maisie and her mother, as it seems like that’s a major point of tension within the story.