Based on the feedback from the last meeting with Professor Miller, there are a few things I want to revise once I make more headway into the main plot of the novella. First, I agreed that the opening might not be the best place to start the story. I love the scene. It started out as a short story start, but then grew into so much more. With a little revision, I think the scene could be condensed, especially once I figure out my intentions with it. It definitely has a place in the story, at least, it does right now. That could change, but I really think that it might be better to place it later on, maybe when the audience has a better grasp of reality. One of the pieces of advice that I was given was to “solidify the audience in reality, then bend it”. I’ve seen that Neil Gaiman does this in his novella, The Ocean at the End of the Lane, and I think that it’s a good rule to live by, especially when it comes to real-world fantasy. Another thing I’d like to revise is the scene right after Caim and Abel’s meeting with the priest. It stung, but I agree that the scene is too long and too dialogue heavy. I tried writing the next ten pages with a focus on Abel’s inner monologue as well as setting description, and even this attempt showed me just how much space the dialogue in the previous sections was taking. I like the humor in that scene, and I think my original intention was to just give some background information of the aspects of Hell, but I know that that information can fit so much better in another part of my story. The whole scene might just have to be scrapped and moved around. I felt a little discouraged about this at first, but the more I think about it, the more I’m realizing that I can never make a perfect first draft and that I’m telling the story to myself. The good stuff will come later. One last thing I’d like to revise is the dynamic between Caim and Abel. It almost feels a little inconsistent. Sometimes, they’ll act like they tolerate each other, then other times, Abel is just downright rude while Caim wants to murder him. I think having a little more grounding, not just in terms of their relationship, but in setting and time too, would be helpful in the long run.
Author: Alex (Page 10 of 21)
Prompt: Discuss some element of craft that you appreciated in the second chapter of Neil Gaiman’s “The Ocean at the End of the Lane”.
There’s so much in this chapter that I could focus on, but I really loved the description Gaiman uses. In the first chapter and the prologue, the reader can tell that the main character did not have a happy childhood, but we only see that through the actions of other characters, such as none of his friends showing up to his birthday or his parents not asking about the kitten after it was run over. In chapter two, Gaiman puts in small, but meaningful moments of description that shifts the narrator’s bleak childhood to the moment he finds a true friend. The dark is a prevalent descriptive force during this chapter. Pages 13 and 14 detail how our narrator was terrified of the dark and wanted to keep his door open while he slept, while on page 15, he discusses how his father always burnt the toast in the morning. Our narrator describes the toast as “smoking” and “blackened”. The burnt, dark, toast is carried with our narrator for most of the chapter. He hides it from the other characters in the chapter, either by hiding it in his lap or behind his back. This small piece of description can show us our narrator’s insecurity about his family life, how his father tended to not pay attention to the toast, and by extension, his own son. The dark descriptions are replaced by the color red later on in the chapter, although we get our first glimpse of it on page 16 when the police car passes Lettie Hempstock and her “red, red cheeks”. Everything about Lettie seems to be surrounded by the color red, such as her red-brown hair and her red skirt. By this point, dark colors are all but gone from the narrative, and are replaced by vivid colors. To me, Gaiman’s use of color in this chapter signifies a transition for our main character, from a dull, depressing “blackened” life to one that feels more organic when he meets Lettie and her family with descriptors such as “red” and “apple”. It’s a small part of this chapter, but it really stuck out to me.
I really needed to read pages 20-31 in Bird by Bird. Not because I had to for this assignment, but because these pages centered on one of my biggest problems as a writer. Pages 21-27 focus on the idea of a shitty first draft, something that I’ve talked about with my peers in multiple classes. Despite the fact that I’ve had this idea pounded into my head for almost two semesters, it’s just now starting to take root. First drafts, as said in BBB, are supposed to be crap. They’re supposed to suck. First drafts are essentially word vomit. We, as writers, have to get something out in order to make anything at all. This ties in with perfectionism, the other topic discussed on pages 27-31. I’m still trying to get over my own perfectionism because I can tell that it holds me back from writing. It keeps me from word vomiting and getting something down on the page. For me, I look at my writing, sentence by sentence, and see every minute error and immediately decide that what I’m working on is shit and should never ever be seen by anyone. My partner typically looks at my work while I’m like this (picture a very tired education major reading one paragraph while a very dramatic and inconsolable writer is face-down on the floor contemplating suicide), and then she’ll say, “I like it” or “There are some errors, sure, but aren’t you still figuring it out?”. Even my partner understands the importance of first drafts, but my perfectionism gets in the way of truly getting anything done. Lately, I’ve really just tried to write without worrying about making it “good”. I think Lamott summarizes this well when she writes, “You can still discover new treasures under all those piles [of clutter], clean things up, edit things out, fix things, get a grip” (pg 28-29). Clutter, in essence, can be beautiful. It shows us that we are human, and what is writing without humanity? I guess I do need to get a grip on perfectionism. I really enjoyed the exercise on page 27, where Lamott says to turn the voices in your head into a little mouse and then lock it away in a jar. It seems like a good way to minimize the effect of whatever you’re telling yourself. Also, the imagery is pretty humorous.
Chapter 6 of the Longman Guide discussed note-taking during a tutoring session. Personally, I struggle with keeping organized notes, especially when it comes to notes about a specific piece of writing. My notes tend to jump around a lot and the focus shifts from very minor things to major questions. Seeing examples of how a tutor should take notes during a session was really helpful for me. I appreciated how, at the very beginning of the chapter, the authors emphasized the importance of listening through the entire paper before bringing up topics to discuss. As tutors, we have to relinquish control over a topic and learn from the students before we can bring any meaningful review to the table. This makes it easier, I feel, to truly listen to a student’s paper before making any judgements. As I said earlier, the note taking examples were really helpful to see. I think I was really drawn to the note style of Sheri’s (page 77). It seems like a quick, yet efficient style of note taking without going too in depth on specific topics. Using + and – symbols to represent positives and critiques for an essay is also helpful and I think I’ll try incorporating this style into my note taking sessions. I also think that it is important to write down questions, especially if a student asks to keep the notes. I never really thought about giving physical notes to students, but I can understand how helpful it can be for students to keep notes. This also brings up the importance of being professional while writing your notes, so the student isn’t offended or embarrassed by anything that is written. I think I’ll create a note template to help me take notes during sessions and to help students understand how the notes are set up, what symbols mean what, etc. Overall, this chapter was short, yet helpful!
Overall, I think that this student’s essay is a strong start, despite needing revisions. The student uses relevant information to support his claims, such as anecdotal evidence or statistics from the US Department of Labor. It also seems as though the student is confident in what he wants to say within his essay. Most of his main points are clear, especially at the end where he reiterates his sentiments of believing in a partial switch to a Soylent diet. Overall, it’s a great start. I think sentence and paragraph structure are the biggest weaknesses within the essay. The student, as stated above, knows what he wants to say, yet I think that many of his paragraphs can be combined. The bulk of the essay feels as though he is restating information and his stance. A main example of this can be seen within the fourth and fifth paragraphs. These two paragraphs highlight the consequences of saving time by using Soylent. These points are repeated to the point where the student has one big block of text that can look intimidating to others reading the essay. Editing the sentence structure and combining the ideas within these paragraphs can help to make the essay more clear and concise. There are also moments where I feel that the student is being too “wordy”. One example is the third sentence in his introduction, “For example, some famous inventions of the past, such as electricity, cell phones, and the cotton gin, are an essential part of the world today”. I think a good way to approach changing sentence structure is to ask the student what the purpose of the sentence is. When we’ve identified the main purpose of the sentence, we can think of ways to make it more concise. Instead of saying, “for example”, the student might change it to “There are many essential inventions that we use in our world today, such as x, y, and z”. This way, the student still maintains his point while not losing his voice. Before moving into smaller revisions, I think I would ask about the assignment. Is it meant to be an opinion-based piece, or should he be focusing more on information? I think if it is an opinion-based piece, then I could ask the student to expand more on his personal experiences with food. It seems that this student just needs a little more focus on concision within his essay, and I think that this can be achieved by asking questions about the purpose of sentences and what the overall point is of each paragraph.
I feel a little torn over “Good with Boys”. On one hand, the voice and the development (or lack thereof) the narrator, Jill, was interesting. I’m not certain how old the school kids are, but I’m assuming that they’re in middle school, probably around 8th grade, so it makes sense that Jill is interested in boys. Even if she admits that she knows her crush on Esau won’t last, I think she’s driven by a curiosity of boys more than anything. This explains her selfish behavior, yet doesn’t justify it. Jill is incredibly unlikeable, but I admire that in a writer. Being able to write an unlikeable character while maintaining a sense of realism is difficult, and while the narrative wasn’t my favorite, it wasn’t necessarily because of Jill’s personality/narration. I also like how the author included a sense of inner turmoil within Jill. There are multiple moments where Jill wrestles with being “boy crazy” and being “parent favorite”. The readers see that she doesn’t necessarily want to go to the paleontology exhibit, yet for her curiosity surrounding Esau, she pushes herself to do so. The moment that this story takes place in was also well-chosen. Ending the story with the butterfly release allows the reader to see that there may be a point in which Jill begins to grow up. At the start of the story, Jill can be seen as a caterpillar within a cocoon. She has an idea of who she wants to be, but the grappling and insecurities she has surrounding her motivations shows that she’s not fully developed. By the end of the story, the release of the butterflies can symbolize that Jill is on a path to grow into the person she wants to be, even though she is hurting at the moment. This, in my opinion, is a great way to end a short story, especially one that revolves around the main character’s flaws.
Prompt: Discuss some element of craft that you appreciated in the first chapter of Neil Gaiman’s “The Ocean at the End of the Lane”.
I really appreciated the imagery and use of foreshadowing within the prologue and the first chapter. The novella opens with a description of a duck pond, signaling that this would be an important setting for our main character. The duck pond turns out to be incredibly important, as the closer the narrator gets, the more he remembers about his life. On page 8, the pond reaches the height of its importance (for now), when the narrator says, “I remembered that, and remembering that, I remembered everything”. Calling the duck pond an “ocean”, in my opinion, makes me think that Gaiman was alluding to the idea of an ocean of memories. The use of description within the prologue sets the mood, especially through Gaiman’s use of color. Our main character is wearing all black, described as being a “stolen uniform”. This allows the reader to feel the discomfort of the character and, while never specifically said, it is heavily implied that he is there for a funeral. Color is also used while the character returns to his childhood home, driving down a “black tarmac road” before entering a more natural, green area. I feel as though Gaiman uses many instances of imagery to foreshadow the character’s bleak childhood. On page 5, the character drives down a “narrow lane with brambles and briar roses on each side” which then opens up into “nothing but fields on each side of the road…a tangle of meadows”. I particularly enjoyed this section, as it feels as though we are driving with the character through the toughest points of his life until he reaches a point in time where he last had his childhood innocence. Gaiman also solidifies our character’s motivation for the rest of the chapter, which is curiosity. By telling us the character’s motivation, the reader can understand that while he may not have a goal in mind, he is a naturally curious individual. The first chapter, however, shows us that he had a particularly lonely and sad childhood, detailing how no one came to his seventh birthday party and the death of his kitten (I want to personally fight Gaiman now, but we’ll finish the book first). While incredibly sad, I found that the kitten’s death was a great use of symbolism for the loss of our character’s innocence. The reaction of all adults in the scene (his parents, the opal miner) drives the point home, as they have all lost their innocence, they don’t think that the character’s loss of innocence is a big deal and is therefore brushed aside. The last thing I’ll mention is the character’s voice. Gaiman writes chapter 1 with the narrator looking back on his life. Instead of having the character expressing sadness or bitterness, the reader can see that the narrator is pretty matter-of-fact about his childhood. Through his voice, we can see that the now-adult narrator has come to terms with his past, but that leaves the question as to why he has returned to the duck pond.
