Short Story 1

What is it?

This is the story of two people dealing with the aftermath of an accident.

Likes:

I like how distinct the voices are between your two main characters. Visually, I also like how you had two different fonts. I’m not sure if you intended this, but giving your male character a comic sans font, and then revealing that he was only putting up a brave face, feels really symbolic for me, though it probably is just a coincidence. You also don’t follow the “standard” form of a short story, instead relying on narration rather than description and dialogue to carry your story.

Questions/Suggestions:

One of my biggest suggestions is a pretty small fix. I would’ve really liked to have known their names. These narratives are incredibly personal and vulnerable, considering the circumstance, yet the readers never get the chance to know their names. I really recommend revealing them at some point. I also wonder about how your male character is. He constantly says that he puts up a brave face, but we don’t see until the end that he isn’t okay. We get a glimpse of his nightmares, but maybe you could expand upon that a little more. Does the crashing of a broken dish startle him? What about the squeal of tires as a car brakes? There’s a lot of potential to reveal to the reader about just how much the accident is affecting him. I would also expand on the relationship between your characters, as it does feel a little flat in some areas.

5 Days

What is it?

This is the story of finding camaraderie within loneliness

Likes:

I enjoyed the perspective you decided to tell this story in. I think that this story could technically work with a third person pov, but first person really makes the narrative more intimate and relatable. Going off that, Bree’s voice is distinct yet relatable enough to where I was going, “Wait, this is literally my whole freshman year”. It also helps that Bree adds some humor into some situations (an example on page 2 “I’M A FRESHMAN” comes to mind). The genuine friendship that develops between Bree, Harrison, and Carmen is refreshing compared to other depressing college narratives.

Questions/Suggestions:

I think my biggest concern with this story surrounds Harrison. I felt like he was a little too in-tune with Bree. Observant or not, he gives off a creepy vibe that most people would be turned off to if they met him in person. I don’t think this was the intention, but if it was, then you’ll need to heighten Harrison’s creep factor throughout the story. I was also a little confused by the addition of Carmen. I liked how you had Bree meet other important people in Harrison’s life, but the way that you describe Carmen and Bree’s relationship makes me feel like they’d have more of a connection than Bree and Harrison. If you want Bree and Harrison’s friendship to be the focal point of this story, then you’ll need to add in more moments/points of connection between them. Consider how they story would be different if Carmen was the one who bumped into Bree in the dining hall.