Date Night

What is it?

This is the story of two very busy Demigods who finally find time for a date.

Likes:

I really like your character description and the voice you have. I’d describe your voice as informal, but not in a bad way! It makes me think of how regular teenagers would tell a story or talk to their friends. The voice makes the story about demigods going on dates believable.

Questions/Suggestions:

It feels like you tell the audience a lot of information instead of showing it to us. There’s one line in particular where you say that Oliver is thankful for Kyle. These moments can be shown through the characters’ actions and words, rather than statements. You also have a lot of background information that seems really squished into the story, and a part of me wonders just how relevant the information is to the reader, especially since it feels like the story truly starts when Isaac and Oliver meet for their date.

Roadtrip

What is it?

This is the story about the excitement of new beginnings and freedom.

Likes:

I really enjoyed the characterization of Brooke and Sammy. The line (on page 1) about Sammy being a stress-snacker is a good example of this. I also thought that your depiction/description of unbridled freedom and the car bursting from their town was really well done. The excitement that exudes from Sammy and Brooke is palpable for the reader. I really enjoyed the hair-cutting scene in the hotel, as it felt like the peak moment for the two characters and a solidifying action that they aren’t returning to their home.

Questions/Suggestions:

I think my biggest concern with this story is the development of the characters. We see that they have this very well-thought out plan and have the cash, clothes, and transportation to get them out of their town, but it all seems to go too well for them. Something needs to get these characters to change, besides cutting their hair. What would happen to Sammy and Brooke if they had been caught? What would they do if the hotel didn’t have a room for the night? As a reader, I really want to see how characters change and develop in the best and worst of circumstances. I think there’s a lot of potential in this story to make things go wrong for them, which always makes for a fleshed out narrative.